What's For Dinner?
by Rockycombo
Summary: Gardner finds the score of a lifetime on the Citadel: a live chicken! But when he returns to the Normandy, he discovers that it may be more trouble than it was worth. Crack one-shot, rated T for one word.


"A live chicken!" Gardner exclaimed for the tenth time as he and Shepard entered the elevator on the Normandy, still hardly believing that he was carrying a genuine flesh and bone hen in his hands. "I mean I knew the Citadel is a well-stocked place, but a live chicken!"

Shepard laughed. The ship's chef seemed more excited every time he said it. "I'm still skeptical that it was worth quite that much, though. That volus was a bit on the shady side."

"I'll make it worth every credit, Commander. The crew deserves a few good meals before we hit that relay, and a fresh chicken definitely fits that criteria," Gardner bubbled on as the elevator made its way to the top level of the ship. "I could make tenders, or chicken parmesan, or grill it, or make some soup, or-"

"Alright, Gardner," Shepard interrupted with another laugh. "Just be sure to save some for me whenever you decide to cook it," the Commander said as they stepped out onto the deck to get to their cabin.

"I'll make it tonight!" the chef called happily as the door slid closed again and descended to the crew deck. Gardner had the entire tediously slow elevator ride to think about how to cook the succulent bird that was hanging lamely from his hand by its feet.

The door slid open on the third level, and Gardner started to head out almost subconsciously, still focused on the chicken. Unfortunately, Miranda was entering at the same time, preoccupied by a datapad she was scrutinizing close to her face. The collision was inevitable, and the operative's datapad clattered to the floor when she and Gardner ran right into each other. "Pardon me, ma'am," the chef apologized instantly, stooping down to retrieve the dropped item.

"Just watch where you're going," Miranda returned coldly, snatching the datapad from Gardner's hand as he glanced at it.

"I didn't realize you were into krogan, ma'am," Gardner teased, barely containing himself from breaking out into a massive grin.

Miranda somehow blushed and paled at the same time. She slammed Gardner's back against the wall and leaned in close, her eyes narrowing to slits. "How much did you see?" she whispered darkly.

"I think I saw four of something."

"What's it going to take to keep you quiet?"

"You know, with how dangerous this mission is, I really don't feel like I'm being paid enough. And I could use some more…" Gardner trailed off when realized his hands were empty. His eyes darted around the enclosed space, but it was obvious his prized chicken had vanished. "Oh no!" he burst out, pushing past Miranda and sprinting out of the elevator.

Miranda watched him, clearly confused. But in the end, she just shrugged her shoulders and resumed her previous activities as she distractedly hit the button for the floor below.

Gardner rounded the corner to the mess, his gaze instantly drawn to the white bird sitting on top of the table. He made a beeline for it, not even taking the time to notice that another of the crew was sneaking up from the other side of the room. The chef dove onto the table, reaching desperately for the chicken. But the bird wasn't particularly eager to go back into captivity. It squawked in surprise as it jumped off the high surface, flapping its wings uselessly as it dropped to the floor. Gardner had missed by a mile, but the other crewman was right there. He grabbed at the chicken, but it was much less passive than they had anticipated. The bird squawked again and pecked at their hand, warranting a surprised cry of pain.

The chicken took that opportunity to make its daring escape. It took off running towards the main battery. After a few choice expletives, Gardner was right after it again. Not wanting to risk the hole filled grate of a path, the chicken went under it instead. The chef, as well as the joining other crewman, had to crawl on their hands and knees along the top of the grate and reach under to try and get a grip on the pesky bird.

Yet despite their best efforts, even along with their name calling or attempts to coax it out, the bird was too evasive. Eventually, Garrus appeared in the doorway to the main battery. "Sprits, what is going on out here? I'm in the middle of…some…"

Garrus had trailed off when the chicken came up from underneath the grate and stood directly in front of him. The two were utterly entranced by each other. Garrus couldn't explain it, but he felt some sort of connection to the avian creature. The chicken stared right back, cocking its head back and forth with curiosity as it started into Garrus's beady eyes and right into his very soul. The Turian felt like he understood the chicken, and he knew the chicken understood him. He reached down slowly, as if in a trance, desiring only to touch the magnificent bird.

"Gotcha!" Gardner exclaimed as he tried to wrap both arms around the chicken. Unfortunately, he did not get what he wanted to. He managed to get a grip on a Turian arm, breaking Garrus's moment with the amazingly fortunate bird and giving it a chance to escape into the battery.

Garrus shook his head, coming out of his chicken induced hypnosis, then stared down at the chef who was holding his hand. "What was that thing?" he asked dreamily.

"Dinner!" Gardner answered dismissively, releasing Garrus and crawling between the Turian's legs to continue his chase.

"Dinner…what a lovely name," Garrus contemplated absent mindedly, still rooted to the spot. He continued to stand there, staring off into space, even as he heard the chef yell and curse behind him. Several crashes and thuds followed, yet the Turian was unmoving. Eventually, the chicken appeared under his legs, picking lazily at the Turian's boots. Gardner could still be heard muttering and rummaging around in the background.

Nobody was sure how long they stood there, but eventually a purple clad quarian stepped on the grated path and started her way towards the Turian. "Garrus!" Tali called in greeting, breaking him from his thoughts. "I wanted to talk to you about - Keelah, what is that?" she asked when she caught sight of the bird standing below Garrus.

He looked down to find the chicken between his legs, and gasped in surprised joy. "Dinner's back!"

What Garrus failed to notice was that chicken had not exactly taken a liking to Tali. The bird lowered its head and started pawing one of its feet along the ground ominously. Tali subconsciously took a step backwards. "What's Dinner doing?" she asked nervously.

Garrus never had a chance to answer. Dinner released a mighty squawk and charged straight at Tali, angrily flapping its wings. She squealed out of fear before whipping around and taking off running back the way she had come.

"Wait, come back!" Garrus called after the chicken, reaching out for it as he followed suit and continuing to call after the bird.

Tali ran as hard as she could, but she could still here a continuous and aggravated squawking behind her. She didn't dare to stop at a door to try and get away; it would get a chance to catch her. And ancestors knew what that beast would do to her. Just a single peck from its beak would puncture her suit, and she would be sick for weeks. Maybe even die. "What did I do?!" she called out, tears streaming down her face as she continued trying to escape the hen's wrath.

The chicken was faster than anybody had expected, and managed to keep up with Tali. But it still was unable to catch her. Garrus couldn't catch either of them; despite his longer legs, his armor was too bulky to allow him to run at the same caliber as Dinner and Tali. So the odd train continued for a while; they made their way through the mess, past the elevator, and then through the mess again. "Why me!?" Tali called out again through her distraught sobs as they made their second run around the deck.

On their second time near the elevator, the door to life support slid open. Tali took her chance, not even caring that Thane was in the doorway or registering that he was asking her something. She dove right into him, knocking him over, and scrambling over his body to get into the haven of the room. Thane sat up, clearly unfazed, to see the chicken charging right at him. The drell calmly took a grip on the bird's neck, stopping it in its tracks. Garrus, who had started to lag behind, was jogging slowly and heaving for breath as he rounded the corner. "Dinner…I need…to…" he started, but was unable to finish as he collapsed to the floor with fatigue.

Thane brought the chicken face to face him, staring into its eyes. "Ah," he stated simply in his gravelly voice. "A chicken. I have heard of your kind before." Suddenly, Thane's eyes glazed over as he fell into a distant memory. "She approaches, handfuls of white and brown feathers covering her breasts and arms. They are all she wears, her hands between her legs. 'Thane,' she whispers, her voice heavy. My attention is hers alone. 'Let me squawk for you.'"

"…and I was the only one to make it out alive," Zaeed said, completing the tale he was telling Grunt as the two of them stepped out of the elevator. The old merc gave a surprised look to the situation in front of him. Garrus was still passed out on the floor, and Thane was sitting in the open doorway to life support, babbling on about his sexual encounters with an odd roleplayer. Yet neither of those were what interested Zaeed most. "Where in hell did we get a bleedin' chicken?" he asked as he walked up to Thane.

"It's not bleeding," Grunt stated as he followed. "And what's a chicken?"

"That," Zaeed explained with an eye roll and a point, continuing to ignore Thane as he continued to get more and more graphic in his descriptions. "And just seeing it makes me even hungrier."

"You can eat it?" Grunt asked, clearly intrigued by the idea.

"Yea. Damn good too, I haven't had some decent chicken since – _hey!_" Zaeed stopped his own story when Grunt yanked the bird out of Thane's hands and dropped it into his gaping mouth in one swift motion.

"No!" Gardner exclaimed, rounding the corner just in time to see the bird enter the krogan's mouth. But he was too late. Grunt chewed twice before swallowing the hen in one big gulp. "What the hell are you thinking?" Gardner asked angrily.

Zaeed had a very opposite reaction. He burst out laughing, leaning back against the wall and cackling wildly. Grunt ignored the upset chef. "You said it was good!" he bellowed at Zaeed. "It was way too fluffy."

"You're supposed to take off the feathers!" Gardner yelled back, finally getting the krogan's attention. "And cook it! And put spices on it! And _share_ it!"

Grunt snorted. "I'd rather eat it raw if we have to go through all that."

Gardner sighed heavily. "I guess it's more chef's surprise tonight," he grumbled.


End file.
